i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
