dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
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