I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
