I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
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