we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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