I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
