Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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