so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
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our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
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I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
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