i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
