I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
you inspire me to be a worse person
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Randomize
