I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
31 Times Kim Kardashian Showed Her Love For Balmain
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
19 Tricks To Help You Join The Mile High Club
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.