There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
25 Of The Most Cringeworthy Internet Stalking Fails
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
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I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever