it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.