who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
