I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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