I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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