my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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