how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Randomize
