so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
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