so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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