Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
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