no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
