I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
I have peed in a lot of sinks
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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