90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
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