This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I have feelings that need drinking.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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