Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Randomize
