Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
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