I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
We are taking shots for every green Lon-Capa box we get for the homework.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
Randomize
