I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
While she was pissing on the neighbors shrubs, they threatened to call the cops...she mumbled 'don't threaten me with a good time", so to answer your question, yes she was drunk.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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