apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
