So you're telling me it's impossible to have a "slight case" of chlamydia?
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
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