I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Randomize
