why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Randomize
