Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
Randomize
