kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
Mom said you looked used
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
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