Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
Randomize
