could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
Can you repeat that, but with context?
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Randomize
