just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
Randomize
