The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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