Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
This boy just came into class wearing sperrys and a polo but also carrying a longboard. I'm unequivocably attracted to his level of doucheyness.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
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just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
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My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
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