I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Randomize
