I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Boobs speak an international language.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
