Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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