I wish I could punch you in the face.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
I understand Curling. That high.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
Randomize
