saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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