This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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