At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
