She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
