I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
