and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
