well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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