so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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