So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
Randomize
