He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Randomize
