how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Do you think they'll have a special part during the BET awards for Michael Jackson even though he turned white?
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
Randomize
