Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
so for future reference,at what point did you feel like a line had been crossed?
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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