Moan for me like Helen Keller
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Randomize
