Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
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