please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
