then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
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