So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Randomize
