Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
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