People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
