Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
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