I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
Randomize
