Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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