why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Randomize
