Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
I still have a little drunk in my system
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
Randomize
